Post #555 Contest
April 30, 2008 by Cass
It’s too much pressure, I can’t perform. Sort of like Pippin; she can draw anything she sees and sketch all day long, but when I asked her for a sketch of me knitting, to use for a new blog header, she buckled and couldn’t draw to save her life. I can’t be clever today to save my life. I don’t feel funny. I’m tapped out.
I think part of it is my lack of creative time lately. Oh, I know I sewed costumes, painted sets, and taught an art class, but those don’t count. I’ve missed my personal creative time. My me time on the back porch with needles, yarn and vodka. My knitting time, Ravelry time, knitting blog time, and yarn fondling time. And, let’s be honest here, my stash enhancement time. The past several weeks of craziness have left me sucked dry and uninspired. And decidedly unfunny.
I’m also buckling under the pressure of knitting mother’s day socks. I’ve knitted this damn heel at least 10 times now, and it’s still not right. Whatthefuck? The directions are right in front of me, but I swear they read different every time I look at them. Last night I was so frustrated I threw my knitting across the room. Well, I tried to, anyhow. Knitting doesn’t actually go very far unless you throw the skein of yarn too; my knitting went about a foot before dropping. Highly unsatisfying.
So I grabbed the first skein of yarn I saw, and I swatched. Not that I normally get all hot and bothered by swatching, but I needed soothing and I was out of liquor. Grace mailed me a birthday package with this Elann Pegasus yarn in it. It’s cotton & viscose, and it knits up like buttah. Swatching it managed to keep me from going postal on my unsuspecting family last night. Here’s my knitting this morning, sitting on the table beside the couch.
Not very inspiring, is it?
le sigh.
So, let’s review. I’ve got 2 large projects on the needles that I’ve been saying I’ll finish for months now. I don’t even want to look at them, much less knit them. I’ve got mother’s day socks that have been thwarting me from day one and will likely never be finished in time. I don’t want to knit any of these things, but I feel pressured to knit them all.
Ah, but it’s self imposed pressure, isn’t it? My mom doesn’t care if her socks are done by mother’s day. Hell, her Treasury Shawl wasn’t finished til September last year. She didn’t care. She still loves me. My sister will love me, even if I never finish her sweater. (I’ve been working on it for a year now, and she’s loved me all this time.) And frankly, I don’t give a flying flip about the tank top I’ve got on the needles for myself. The yarn is loverly, but I don’t adore the knitted fabric or the shape of the tank so much. I’ll still love me if I never finish it.
And you guys will still love me, even if my contest isn’t clever and witty, right? RIGHT?
I thought so.
And so, a contest. (If you want clever and witty, you can look back at my previous constests.)
There are 5 ways to enter, you can pick and choose how many you want to do:
1. Cheer me up. Tell me a joke, a riddle, or a funny story. If I can’t be funny, then you can. Bonus if your joke involves naked folks or liquor. Double bonus if the naked drunk folks are knitting.
2. Give me something to knit. Tell me a pattern that you loved or want to knit, or something you think I should knit. Bonus if you’ve knit it yourself.
3. Help me build my stash. Tell about me your new favorite yarn. Bonus if 2 & 3 match up. Double bonus if I can afford it.
4. Give my daughter some advice. Casey turns 17 next week. What advice would you give to a young woman if you could? Bonus if it includes “cleaning house for your mother”. Double bonus if it includes abstinence until you’re 30.
5. Send help! The more the merrier! Tell others to come check out my contest. Bonus if they mention you when they come.
I’ll choose 5 winners, natch, chosen in a random manner with darts and balloons involved. There are 5 prizes, and because I like to support the little guy, they’re all from etsy.
1. Sheep stitch markers from Jelby.
2. Born to Knit pendant from squidglass.
3. Project bag from stuckinillinois.
4. Knitting Pendant from Surly.
5. Needles from Chelle.
Fine print: Contest runs through Wednesday, May 7th, at 2:22 in the afternoon. At that very moment, my oldest wee beastie will turn 17. And with a mom like me, she needs all the advice she can get.
Thanks for entering, for reading, and for loving me even when I’m boring. I promise to be funny again when I’ve charged my batteries and visited the liquor store. (It opens at 11:00.)
Yay for contest! I’m mostly a lurker, but of course have to comment for a contest
In terms of a simple to knit and easily satisfying project, I suggest Catherine’s mini cardi (Ravelry link –> http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/catherines-mini-cardi). I adore mine and knit it in just a couple days. I used SWTC Bamboo, which I also love.
Daughterly advice, well, I’m afraid I don’t have anything that will promote lots of cleaning or lifelong abstinence, but at my ripe old age of 28, I really wish I appreciated just being a teenager more! All of a sudden you are 21 and out of college and you have a job and expenses of your own. Try to relish all the freedom that comes with being that age (even if it means you have to listen to mom sometimes!).
Hmm. OK. Let’s see…your daughter should clean the house, be abstinent until she’s 30, and she should understand that no stage of life is permanent. Life is fluid and changing, from decade to decade. Sometimes that means what’s good won’t last, but it also means what’s bad won’t last either.
Funny story with liquor…when our kids were little, DH and I went to a neighborhood party and both drank quite a bit more than we should. Fortunately the babysitter only lived a block away, so I got her home safely. But the next morning I was horrified to remember that I hadn’t paid her. I asked DH if he had, and he too was horrified. Nope–we’d both been so tipsy that neither of us had paid her. So I sucked it up and called her and apologized, said I was so so sorry that we hadn’t paid her, and she chirped right up: “Oh no, Mrs. Rea, you did pay me! Thank you so much!” Leading to the question–how much did we pay her?? Probably not enough–we were too embarrassed to ever hire her again.
Currently my favorite yarn is Schaefer Laurel, a luxurious mercerized cotton that’s wonderful to knit. Plus it comes in colorways named after amazing and interesting women (Emily Dickinson, Frida Kahlo, Eva Peron). I loved using it to make Anne Hanson’s Hypoteneuse (www.knitspot.com), and I’m loving it for making Convertible (from Knitty).
There–did I get lots of bonuses??
My advice for Casey—you will never, ever get what you want (staying out late, money, etc) if you actually ask for what you want. If you need $20, ask for $50. When your mom looks totally shocked, you must grudgingly admit that maybe, just MAYBE you can scrape along on $25. It works. Also, if you act incorrigably all the time, you have to put out way less effort to be nice, because everyone will be so thrilled to see that you’re trying to be nice at all, that it automatically counts more than if you’re nice all the time.
Also (and this is because I’m commenting on your Mom’s blog) if you say everything with a slight sarcastic sneer, the adults will desperately accept that to mean that you don’t really mean what you said, it’s just hormones/etc. I’m counting on this because I want to win some of the yummies, paticularly that cute pendant.
BTW, this is from one 17 year old to another soon-to-be 17 year old.
I’ll try my best:
1) I have no funny stories this morning (except the one about the duct tape robber, who covered his head in duct tape to rob a store and then stood outside in the parking lot, tearing off the tape and screaming in pain for so long that an employee simply walked outside and nabbed him), so I’ll go straight to #2.
2) A pattern that is soothing, invigorating and fun: Knitspot’s Hypoteneuse. It’s stunning in Schaefer Laurel, but I’m guessing it might also work nicely in the yarn I was smooshing longingly in my LYS yesterday….
3) Ty Dy. Gorgeous, I’m telling you: http://www.knitonecrochettoo.com/tydy.htm
4) Listen up, Casey! Whatever a guy says, he’s lying. Guys learn how to lie, quite convincingly, for one purpose and one purpose only. He’ll forget whatever he’s told you the minute said purpose is achieved. Ignore the campaign slogans–they’re just like any other form of advertising.
5) Will post contest on blog.
Big hugs to you!
Oh, and Casey? One more thing. Clean the house! Windows too!
Yippee for the contest. I am a longtime lurker. Congrats btw on the successful formal and beautiful dresses.
1-Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
“Honey,” she said. “You received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.
4-Take advantage of all the hard life lessons your parents have already learned - don’t try to relearn them all yourself.
So there are my entries, I’m afraid I am not at the height of my creativity either. :-O
I don’t think I could compete with the advice from commenter #3 so I’ll skip to the pattern recommendation. A pattern I enjoyed greatly, but was very simple and quick… Voodoo Hand Warmers from Knitty. They’d be great knit up in a nice soft bamboo or something similar. Easy knit, great gift, so give them a try.
And I hope you don’t get too verklempt on Casey’s birthday. I’m staring down the barrel of kindergarten and I get a lump in my throat every time I think about it. I can’t even imagine 17.
What a great contest, Cass!
My entries, in no particular order…
A fun pattern to knit, perfect for when Geek pushes you to the limit and you need a not-so-subtle way to remind him that you’re a dangerous woman: A knitted horse head. Wouldn’t you pee your pants if you woke up with this in bed next to you?
http://theanticraft.com/archive/imbolc08/mredless.htm
Also, advice for Casey:
Here are the 5 things I wish someone had told me when I was 17:
1. It’s not as bad as you think it is. Whatever it is. You probably wont remember it in 5 years, so when bad stuff happens, take off your pants, do a little dance and remind yourself that this too shall pass. I guess you don’t need to take your pants off.
2. Television isn’t the root of all evil, but it’s close. It’s right up there with the Bush Administration.
3. Money is overrated. Material possessions are overrated. Don’t get a credit card or buy anything on credit. Debt just isn’t punk rock. The less time you spend worrying about how to pay debt off, the more time you can spend dancing pantless and not watching television.
4. Never turn down the opportunity to learn anything, even if it seems like a waste of your time. You never know when weird bits of knowledge (like how they get the pimentos inside olives or how to gap a spark plug) may come in handy.
5. And the most important thing is: it’s easy to get caught up in your life and take the people you love for granted (moms, dads, grandparents, siblings), but it’s even easier to take 5 minutes to show them that you’d want to hang out with them even if you weren’t obligated to love them. A phone call, a surprise knitted present, or even just occasionally telling them: “Hey, you don’t suck. All the time.”
And lastly, my favorite joke:
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
1) Three ducks ended up in court to tell their story to the judge. The judge asks the first one to state his name and say why he was sent to court today. “My name is Quack. I got sent here for blowing bubbles in the pond.”
The judge says, “That will be 5 days in jail and a $50.00 fine. Next.”
The next duck comes up and says, “My name is Quack Quack. I got sent here for blowing bubbles in the pond.”
The judge says, “That will be 5 days in jail and a $50.00 fine. Next.”
The third duck comes up, but before it can say anything, the judge says, “Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack, and you got sent here for blowing bubbles in the pond.”
The duck replies, “No, my name is Bubbles.”
Why did the naked knitting man laugh when he ate the clown? He tasted funny! Dumb i know but hell, i have never been known to tell a joke, my blonde roots have always been entertainment enough!
Hmmm, i agree with the abstinence thing as i have a 16 year old. But hey, think first, be happy and do not blindly turn down opportunities to travel, you’ll kick yourself later. Also be sure to make yourself financially responsible for yourself before you commit yourself into a relationship..that way you can always take care of yourself without his help.
Sorry your knitting is being a huge pain! ust finished my big proect a few minutes ago, yeah! But of course another is on some needles waiting as well as others awaiting needleship! Enjoy, off to work early today!
Not part of the contest but here are two jokes;
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with her. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What’s in bag?’ asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
‘Good trade.’
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,’13….13….13′
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then, they all started shouting ‘14….14….14′…
——————————————————————————–
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 7.5.524 / Virus Database: 269.23.5/1401 - Release Date: 4/28/2008 7:18 AM
Hmmm, no story but I know I can make you smile! Close your eyes. Now clear your mind of all clutter. Now picture Bruce Willis…naked. See I knew it would work! Mwah!
Advice for Casey:
1. (Cass, it’s probably best if you skip to number 2.) It is better to say “shit, I really shouldn’t have done that,” AFTER you do it than not to experience it at all. Sometimes offering an apology is better than asking for permission.
2. Be really nice to your mom, One day when you join the ranks of mom-dom you’ll pat yourself on the back for having been such a good daughter.
3. Never leave home without a great shade of lipstick-that’s just a given honey!
off to post about your contest! (psst–I’m having one too and could use your wild imagination Cass!)
Ok- I think I can help with all of the above, except for # 1, I can’t ever make it to the punchline (maybe I’m that kid with ADHD.) #2- a good satisfying knit for right now? I have loved making the Easy Triangle Shawl so much I made two! This is a free pattern from Lion Brand –found on Ravelry here http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/easy-triangle-shawl-60301
Extra bonuses to me because A. it is free AND has the word easy in the title, 2. it goes nicely when paired with my new favorite drink, vodka, diet tonic and fresh key lime juice and C. it is particularly pretty when knat with recycled sari silk,
Which brings me to numero 3. now, silk might not be a very vegan choice, but that being said, it is recycled (which is very green) and this particular seller on ebay sells the yarn in support of women’s development groups in Nepal (so it is globally conscious) http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQfgtpZ1QQfrppZ50QQsassZcraftqn6QQssPageNameZDBQ3aOtherItems
AND I know for a fact that a friend of mine purchased some recycled sari silk for like $21 for 75 yds. from her LYS (and if you are wily enough with the Ebay, you can get the whole lot of 10 hanks – approximately 750 yards- for around $40- including shipping.) Now, only because I love your blog (and I want to win) am I willing to part with such a secret.
Now for #4- advice to a 17 year old young lady? Well, that is simple, like my Nana once told me in her lilting southern accent- “don’t sweat the petty stuff- and don’t pet the sweaty stuff- and you shall do just fine dah’lin.”
1. Back when my Neatnik was in preschool, I was class mom about once a month. Class moms brought the snack of the day and helped out with the art projects.
One time, the project involved painting the kids’ palms and letting them make handprints (later they were drawn on to become flowers). I was detailed to get them to the bathroom for washing up. As I was escorting one more child to the washing up queue, two other children were dutifully washing their hands at the sink. At the other side of the room, another little boy had dropped his sweatpants and was making the pee-pee - while my daughter was holding the seat up for him. No knitting and no booze (these were preschoolers, after all) but there was male nudity.
2. I loved knitting Jaywalkers and have knit five pairs of them!
3. The best yarn I found for knitting Jaywalkers was Regia Stretch Crazy Colors. The colorways are great and the extra sproing in the yarn makes the stitch pattern of the Jays a little more stretchy.
4. Casey, abstinence until marriage. Yes, it can be done: I did it. Oh, and clean your room: moms hate it when high school seniors/college bound young adults can’t keep the clean clothes off the floor - they wonder where they went wrong and then they go crazy and then you have to visit them in the home. It is much easier on you if you just put the stuff away - or at least jam it in the closet or under the bed.
Of course I still love you!
1. When we first moved up here to the great white north - I had never heard a Lena and Ole joke - Now I’ve heard quite a few - this one doesn’t involve vodka - just beer:
Lena was walking home carrying a case of beer…
Swen met Lena and said ‘Hi Lena vatcha got der den’
Lena says ‘a case of beer for Ole’
Swen says ‘Nice Trade!’
You have to say this with a sort of undulating wavy lilt for intonation…
2. I think you should knit Nora Gaughan’s Bella - I did and I love it - it’s so soft and drapey and not too difficult…
3. You’ll easily be able to afford my substitutions for the Bella I made - I used crochet cotton and Bernat Baby http://affectioknit.blogspot.com/2008/03/bella-finale-2008-easter-outfit-bella.html
4. I don’t know that I have any advice for Casey - but I just attended a self defence workshop - I think all teenagers should attend one - boys and girls - first they talked to the kids about avoiding dangerous situations as the most important thing - then they showed some simple evasion techniques and practiced them - so - Stay safe out there…
5. Of course I’ve already posted a link to your contest:
http://affectioknit.blogspot.com/2008/04/cassadys-contest-cass-at.html
There you go - thanks for blogging…
PS - Regia Stretch comes in solids and the crazy colors - fairly reasonable at $4 - $8.50 per sock.
And the Jaywalker pattern is, of course, free!
I can think of something for everything except #1. So here it goes:
2.) I love the Monkey Sock pattern from knitty.com. I have knit this before and loved it, you can find photos of my FO on Ravelry where my ID is knittingpanda87.
3.) My new favorite yarn is actually what I used for the Monkey Socks and it is Fearless Fibers Superwash Merino Wool Sock Yarn. Which can be found on Etsy in the Fearless Fibers shop.
4.)My advice for your daughter would be to never get to upset over a break up. Life will go on and there will be someone else out there for you even if you don’t think it at the time.
5.)I will post about your contest on my blog which can be found at http://knittingpanda.wordpress.com
[...] April 30, 2008 by knittingpanda87 I just discovered another blog that is running a great contest right now full of awesome knitting related things off of Etsy. Go check it out and let her know that I sent you if you enter. You can find the contest post here. [...]
Here’s a funny joke (I stole it from The Office):
Q.What were Abraham Lincoln’s last words?
A.I need to see this play like I need a hole in my head.
Cheers!
1. Which ones are the pirate’s favorite socks? Arrrrgyle.
2. Something to knit - the Scarlet Woman tank by my favorite designer who shares my name. I’ll admit to not having made it yet, but I’ve heard nothing but good things, and hey, it’s got a great name!
3. My current favorite is Bernat’s Organic Cotton in Oasis, which can’t be used for #2, sadly.
4. Advice for Casey: Trust. Trust carefully and only intentionally, but do trust. Yes, guys will lie, and so will girls. Yes, some people break promises and some just flat out suck. But while trusting will sometimes lead you to hurt, NOT trusting will never lead to the love and the good that comes from it. IMO, more often than not, it will be worth it. I’m sure your mom would agree that it’s better to live than to fear.
5. You know I’ll blog it!
I’m currently addicted to the Tulip Baby Cardigan, using the awesome Dream in Color yarn (you can find it on my Ravelry page: http://www.ravelry.com/projects/katieny/tulips-a-colorful-cardigan-for-baby )
Advice for Casey:
1) You will regret the things you didn’t do. Get out there and live.
2) Keep in touch with your friends. Even if you don’t think you need them, or if you think you have found “better” friends. You will need every friend you can get.
3) Take advantage of every moment you have with your family now, when you are still young. Soon enough, you will look around and they will be far away, occupied with other priorities, or even gone forever.
Hi Cass - of course I still love you!
1. When we first moved to the great white north - I’d never heard a Lena and Ole joke - now I’ve heard lots of them…
This one doesn’t involve vodka - just beer…
Lena is walking home carrying a case of beer.
She meets Swen who says ‘Hi Lena, vatcha got der den?’
Lena replies ‘a case of beer - I got it for Ole’
to which Swen replies ‘Good Trade!’
Snort…
2. I think you should knit Nora Gaughan’s Bella - I did -http://affectioknit.blogspot.com/2008/03/bella-finale-2008-easter-outfit-bella.html - it wasn’t too difficult and it’s lovely and soft and drapey…
3. You’ll easily be able to afford my substitutions for the Bella - I used crochet cotton for the bands and Bernat Baby for the body…
4. I don’t know that I really have any advice for Casey - I did just attend a Self Defense class with the Man-Cub and I highly recommend that - they really stressed avoiding dangerous situations to begin with - but then showed how to get out of several attacker holds - so - Stay safe out there…
5. Of course I’ve already posted about the contest - http://affectioknit.blogspot.com/2008/04/cassadys-contest-cass-at.html
Thanks for blogging…
I just read Phoebe’s joke - that is too funny that we posted the same joke with different ethnicity…
Hi Cass - of course I still love you!
1. When we first moved to the great white north - I’d never heard a Lena and Ole joke - now I’ve heard lots of them…
This one doesn’t involve vodka - just beer…
Lena is walking home carrying a case of beer.
She meets Swen who says ‘Hi Lena, vatcha got der den?’
Lena replies ‘a case of beer - I got it for Ole’
to which Swen replies ‘Good Trade!’
Snort…
2. I think you should knit Nora Gaughan’s Bella - I did - it wasn’t too difficult and it’s lovely and soft and drapey…
3. You’ll easily be able to afford my substitutions for the Bella - I used crochet cotton for the bands and Bernat Baby for the body…
4. I don’t know that I really have any advice for Casey - I did just attend a Self Defense class with the Man-Cub and I highly recommend that - they really stressed avoiding dangerous situations to begin with - but then showed how to get out of several attacker holds - so - Stay safe out there…
5. Of course I’ve already posted about the contest -
Thanks for blogging…
Joke: There were 5 naked knitters at a therapy session with their small children. Their pscyhiatrist was trying to explain to them that they were all obsessive compulsive
He looked at Kathy and told her she was crazy about food. Proof she named her little girl CANDY
He looked a Wanda and told her she was obsessed over Money She named her daughter PENNY
He looked at Tanya and said she had a thing for knitting
She had named her daughter PURL
He went on to Martha and said her problem was alcohol her daughters name was BRANDY (close as I can get to the drinking bonus)
with that Linda got up grabbed her son’s hand and said “Come on DICK, we’re out of here!!!
Something to KNIT: Build Your Stash:
Self promotion Go to Free Patterns on Elann.com My scarf pattern (http://www.elann.com/ShowFreePattern.asp?Id=205024) that won in their contest should be there, Next Tuesday order some Elann Luna and knit away, Luna is a joy to knit with alot like Pegasus only I like it even more
17 YEar Old Daughter ADVICE:
Don’t be afraid of making mistakes its how we all learn, and thats the important part learning from it. So if you can’t wait until you are 30 be safe and be sure, and if you want your mother’s undying love forever and always clean the house for her. AND remember my golden rule There but for the Grace of (Insert Belief Entity here–in my case God) go I.
Of course I shall post this contest on my blog, I too am totally enamored by the pendants they are incredible
Advice for Casey–If you think you might want to work in a certain field, do an internship now, before you have to worry about paying rent and credit card bills. You learn a lot about the job (including whether or not you really want to do it) and make some great connections. And if an internship requires boring admin work, do it well anyway–it’ll make the bosses love you and want to give you better things to do.
And speaking of those credit cards–don’t carry a balance. Use them for convenience and to rack up bonus points. But don’t use it to spend more than you can afford to pay off right away. It stinks not to be able to buy new stuff because you’re paying off old stuff. And living within your means will give you more money in savings, which earns interest, which means more money for buying stuff.
Love SWTC Tofutsies is a great yarn. I used it to make my Charades (http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/charade) which is a great pattern.
Will mention on the blog later.
Why does poop taper off?
Because if it didn’t your butt hole would slam shut!
1.)Funny Story
I found this story on a friends blog. I just had to share it because it was one of those things you could see happening to you.
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!”
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also my hubby is knakedknitter on ravelry and he drinks
2.)Jayne Cobb Hat Brooch http://www.ravelry.com/projects/KnottyKnitter40/jayne-cobb-hat-brooch I used the wooly wonders by nada peace fleece my daughters barbie loves her fire fly jayne hat
3.Wooly Wonders By Nada Peace Fleece isnt exspensive
and I love the colors. http://www.ravelry.com/yarns/library/wooly-wonders-by-nada-peace-fleece
4. Give my daughter some advice. Casey turns 17 next week.Sex lasts a minute being a mom lasts your whole life practice abstinence until you’re 30. and dont be in such a hurry to grow up and leave home if you clean the house for your mother the irs cant deduct taxes from your wages
5. Sending help!!! blogging about your contest
Here: http://darcyknottyknitter.blogspot.com/
#2 I knit the Pretty Lace Handwarmers from the Purl Bee
http://www.purlbee.com/pretty-lace-handwarmers/
Quick and easy … I knit them just last week in 2 days.
Did them in Sheep Shop Company Sheep No. 3 and got TWO pair out of the skein; making it cost productive. One pair for me and one for a gift. And the bonus was: many compliments!
I’m not good at telling jokes but I sure got a chuckle out of the ones I found here. Some pretty good advise for Casey too. I can’t even think of what could be added to it … other than, “It’s always good to clean house for your mother BEFORE you ask for any favors.” (wait, I don’t think that helped my own daughter any)(scratch that) Use it as a bargaining chip, dear.
I’m going to go post right now….
I forgot to mention that Miss T sent me. Happy knitting.
Life & people is/are not perfect…but as long as you can learn from your mistakes then you have lived and learned. DON”T EVER let someone make you feel like you are a nobody, they are not worth your time. Things happen in your life for a reason, even if you do not know what that reason is at that moment, you will surely see it at some point in your life.
This is my advise to Casey from a 40 yr old who made some BIG mistakes at that young age and have now straightened myself out and have a loving beautiful family to try to get through those rough years. (and I will be an OLD lady by the time they make that age)
Child and mother are in the store, said mother “TOOTS” and said child starts to yell through the store “Mommy’s butt dood it, Mommy’s butt dood it”
Hope you come out of the lack of “Me Time” I so now what you mean….
Have a great day………….
Awww Cass, we love you regardless of what you knit or don’t knit, when you fall or dont’ fall…which reminds me, I did forget to say earlier….Puhleeeeeez dont’ get all inspired by the handlebars tune and try to ride a bike w/out hanging on….I mean really…I’m begging.
K…this is my contest entry. A funny story.
I’ll also ad your contest in my blog.
K…so a co-worker of mine went to give an estimate at a hospital. (Oh this is SO you, the only thing that would make the story more you, was if he fell or broke something…so read on!) So he walks around, takes his measurements, does his infrared scanning, takes his notes, scratches his head, etc. It’s time to head back to the ranch…(so to speak, we don’t really have ranches in Vermont) So he packs up his gear…and begins to leave the building.
He spies a door that he’s never exited before (he’s worked in audits in this bldg a few times before) and he thinks for sure, it’ll lead to where his car is parked. Just as he exits the door…he realizes, that he’s entering a completely closed in courtyard….turns around and notices that the door has latched behind him…..not gonna get out, he’s STUCK. Lo and behold, it’s the ALzheimers unit. *snicker*
He approaches a fence, shoves his stuff through it as best he can and prepares to climb the fence…then realizes it’s PVC and he’ll likely break it.
SO he goes around knocking on doors and windows, with all varities of older ppl looking out the window and laughing at him, or making other gestures..until a nurse opens the door, clearly in stitches and says “are you stuck out there?” “would you like to come in” ?????
Pretty funny I thought.
Cheers!
Marie
1. While my husband and I were traveling in Ireland a few years ago, we stayed at a B&B in Cashel. It was a bit chilly, so the heat had been turned on. My husband was sleeping closest to the wall that evening. He was climbing out of bed very carefully at about 11:00 o’clock and hit his bum on the radiator. He jumped and yelped, “Ah, my ass!” in a very Homer Simpson sort of way. It kept me laughing for the entire trip. I would start to snicker and he’d turn and say, “You’re thinking of me burning my ass again aren’t you?” . . . and if that doesn’t make you giggle a little, let me recommend the British sitcom “Coupling.” I know that you’re not big into tv, but if you have never seen this show, it is hilarious. I think the funniest episode is from season 1, episode 5: The girl with two breasts. If you have Netflix, you can watch it for free.
2. I think that Gatsby Girl is very feminine and flattering. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/gatsby-girl-pullover
Stargazer is lovely and seems like a nice top for a cooler summer day. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/stargazer
4. Casey, let me repeat Michelle’s excellent advice; don’t get a credit card or if you do, only use it when you have enough cash to cover the cost. So many of us had horrible credit during our early 20s because of the unwise use of credit cards. Also, try to enjoy the time you spend with your family even if it is simple things like cleaning up after dinner together. I think the most important advice I can give is to trust yourself. As you decide what to do after high school, how far is too far away, what to study, it is fine to say to yourself, “this doesn’t feel right,” and go in a different direction. Good luck and happy birthday. There is so much excitement coming your way!
Delurking to provide a bit of advice to Casey - somewhat sadly it’s not something women tend to do much anymore in our society (or so I thought, looks like this comment list is out to prove me wrong!).
I’m not that much older than Casey, or at least I don’t feel it (just realised it’s been ten years since I was 17 - I should probably keep a diary to keep track of these things)… anyway, advice:
- Embrace life. The ups, the downs, the frustrations and curiosities - relish them all. Take time out getting to know and listen to yourself and stay in touch with what you hear throughout your life. Do what you enjoy, even if it seems odd, whacky or weird to others. Don’t be afraid of being different; it’s what makes you strong.
- Life is extremely short. Appreciate this and take it on board. It puts your life in perspective and liberates you to express yourself, love, speak honestly and to be a little crazy every now and then.
- Respect your health and your body. Most messages given to young women about their bodies these days are ridiculous, destructive and just kinda lame when you think about them. Buying women’s magazines tends to reinforce these issues.
- Keep in touch with friends and family and make time for the people you love. More than you know it, these are the people who make your life. Treasure them and never take them for granted.
- And of course, clean your room! (Abstinence? Personally I think it’s overrated, but its entirely your decision).
Gracie sent me here. So if you hate the advice, it’s her fault.
-Absolutely, if you want a kitty, ask for a pony.
-Laser beams work with powerful precision. Flashlights just bounce around all over. You’re more effective if you focus on a plan. IF you don’t like it, you can pick another plan, but finish the one you started first. (Like finishing a book, you know?)
-Your mom and dad aren’t stupid. You might want to be independent and in charge of your own stuff, but as long as the First Parental Savings and Loan is open, they get some input. And gratitude.
-Guys your age are interested in sex. REALLY REALLY. You take your time on that one; you can’t undo your first, and who wants a cruddy memory to haul around the rest of their life?? Be extremely deliberate. This ain’t like some all-you-can eat restaurant. Those are never the classy joints. (If you are making an ewww face….good girl.)
In a relationship, the one who cares the least has the most power.
Never rearrange your life to separate boyfriend from friends. (Which, btw, if you have guy friends, they pretty much want to be boyfriends.) And don’t fool around with teachers, bosses, or anyone married.
Womens’ magazines are goofy. Lose 10 lbs, make great cake. Yeah right. Just talk to your mom, your cool aunts, and successful women. They don’t wanna sell you a dress or a subscription - they want you to do well.
Fault is crap. Worry about fixin’ stuff, not whose fault it is.
If you don’t listen to anything else, listen to these two things-
There are only two kinds of women. The ones who get it, and the ones who don’t. Usually women fight about men, or their position in front of men, but the truth is, we only make .85 to a guy’s dollar. Do you want to be the kind who gives and receives help, or someone who shoves everyone else off the pier? For .85?
You deserve a good man. Don’t settle.
That’s enough. Poor kid’s eyes are probably crossed.
To make you happy (and for those stitch markers), I’ll tell you a true story that will make you laugh.
A boss of mine was parking his car at his dr.s office and saw this cherry red mint condition corvette. He had to go admire it for its beautifulness and the care give it. He wandered around the vehicle and when he got to the back of the car he stopped dead, mouth dropped open and he laughed and laughed till he couldn’t catch his breath - (he’s older and that could be a bad thing). So he went into the dr’s office and then came back and told this story to everyone in the office. He said the car was great, but the best thing about it was the license plate. He said - he was never so proud of a woman he had never met until that day!
He still tells that story. So do I. Its priceless!!!
What was on the license plate:
WAS HIS
Advice for Casey:
1. Don’t limit yourself - others try to do that to you, don’t do it to yourself.
2. Wherever your - find a community/group of friends that will support you. If you can’t find one - build one.
3. Don’t let your job define you.
4. Find someone in your life who will make you laugh even when you don’t want to.
5. If you can travel, do!
6. Don’t get fat, (I’m saying this for health reasons only) but don’t let fear of getting fat keep you from enjoying food and trying new foods. Food is not fuel!
Congrats on 17 years!
Favorite yarn and Patterns
Malabrigo (mmmmmmm) - Dashing Hand Mitts from Knitty
Berroco Comfort Socks - Knitty Pedicure socks
Let see. Favorite yarn: Right now it’s Lorna’s Laces. Love, love, love, it. Especially for Monkey Socks.
Advice for Casey: Darlin’, just be true to yourself, and be happy with whatever you chose to do with your life.
I thought that I posted this reply before, but now I think that I didn’t.
1. While my husband and I were traveling in Ireland a few years ago, we stayed at a B&B in Cashel. It was a bit chilly, so the heat had been turned on. My husband was sleeping closest to the wall that evening. He was climbing out of bed very carefully at about 11:00 o’clock and hit his bum on the radiator. He jumped and yelped, “Ah, my ass!” in a very Homer Simpson sort of way. It kept me laughing for the entire trip. I would start to snicker and he’d turn and say, “You’re thinking of me burning my ass again aren’t you?” . . . and if that doesn’t make you giggle a little, let me recommend the British sitcom “Coupling.” I know that you’re not big into tv, but if you have never seen this show, it is hilarious. I think the funniest episode is from season 1, episode 5: The girl with two breasts. If you have Netflix, you can watch it for free.
2. I think that Gatsby Girl is very feminine and flattering. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/gatsby-girl-pullover
Stargazer is lovely and seems like a nice top for a cooler summer day. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/stargazer
4. Casey, let me repeat Michelle’s excellent advice; don’t get a credit card or if you do, only use it when you have enough cash to cover the cost. So many of us had horrible credit during our early 20s because of the unwise use of credit cards. Also, try to enjoy the time you spend with your family even if it is simple things like cleaning up after dinner together. I think the most important advice I can give is to trust yourself. As you decide what to do after high school, how far is too far away, what to study, it is fine to say to yourself, “this doesn’t feel right,” and go in a different direction. Good luck and happy birthday. There is so much excitement coming your way!
> TO BRIGHTEN UP YOUR DAY…..
> HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
>
> 1. Open a new file in your PC.
> 2. Name it “Housework.”
> 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
> 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
> 5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want
> to delete Housework
> permanently?”
> 6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse
> button firmly……
> 7. Feel better?
>
> Works for me!
WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH…………
>
> 1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
>
> 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD
> AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING “WOO-HOO!” IS TRULY THE
> SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
>
> 3. WE’VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK
> SOMEONE’S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
>
> 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW
> LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE
> WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
>
> 5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT
> WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
>
> 6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN
> EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY’S BECAUSE “OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS
> SONG!”
>
> 7. WE’VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK
> SITTING NEXT TO US.
>
> 8. WE’VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME
> REALLY GOOD AT IT.
>
> 9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED
> US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT’S JUST BECAUSE WE
> CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
>
> 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS
> STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
>
> 11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID’S DOWN
> WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
>
> 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT’S
> THEIR FAULT THAT WE’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
__________________________________________________
1. Cheer me up.
Since I can tell you love animals (can’t imagine pet sitting if you don’t) - I thought this story would cheer you up.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”
“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.
“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.
“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.”
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. “Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveler asked.
“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. “Excuse me!” he called to the man. “Do you have any water?”
“Yeah, sure. There’s a pump over there. Come on in.”
“How about my friend here?” The traveler gestured to the dog.
“There should be a bowl by the pump.”
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. “What do you call this place?” the traveler asked.
“This is Heaven,” he answered.
“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveler said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”
“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.”
“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”
“No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.”
2. Give me something to knit.
the Cornelia Tuttle Hamilton Sursa Shawl - is one of my favorite things I have ever knit, fun, funky and cute - see the link http://www.royalyarns.com/ptrn/NOR/NoroYarnCorneliaTuttleHami/sursa.html
3. Help me build my stash.
Zen String Yarns - you can see some of them at http://www.theloopyewe.com/browse/yarns/zen-string/
4. Give my daughter some advice.
Advice is hard to take when you are 17 - but, what I guess I would say is that life is so short - try to happily enjoy as much of it as you can. If something in your life isn’t making you happy - change it.
5. Send help!
I’ve sent several other bloggers links to your website (I don’t have a blog or website myself, so can’t link).
I hope to win - you find the COOLEST things!!
1. Cheer me up.
OK, there are two old guys standing around chatting when an old naked woman runs by. They look at each other and one says, “Was that Betty from number 42?” and the other guy says, “I don’t know, but whatever she had on, it needed ironing.”
2. Give me something to knit.
Sunrise Circle Jacket - I knitted it out of Tatamy Tweed Worsted. V warm and comfortable, and not hard to do.
3. Help me build my stash.
I think your mention of elann pegasus is going to get ME buying yarn, not the other way around. Can’t think of a specific yarn to recommend.
4. Give my daughter some advice.
Be your own person - don’t blindly go along with others. And ignore all those commercials that tell you that you need a dozen different products for your body to be beautiful. You’re beautiful without them.
5. Send help! The more the merrier! Tell others to come check out my contest.
Done!
I don’t have a joke, but this should cheer anyone up.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thelewisshow/2453461206/
As for advice….. *thinks* Hmm things I know now that I wish I had when I was 17.
When you go to college, there will be tons of credit card sign up tables, with free things for applying. DO NOT DO IT!!!
Also, no man is worth driving more than 30 miles each way, unless he’s willing to meet you halfway or alternate trips.
I do love you Cass! Funny, serious, drunken stupper, klutz or knitter. You are great!
****HUGS*****
1. So as for away to cheer you up would one of these do: http://anacleta.homestead.com/knittinghumor.html or what about sheepshagger.com? That has to put a smile on your face!
2. I just finished a Clapotis, maybe you can make one of those. They really are a fast knit and dropping the stitches is addicting. Or I am getting ready to do EZ Butterfly jacket. Wanna try too?
3. Have you seen the new Malabrigo Cotton Worsted (its available at Webs) I haven’t tried the Cotton, but the other Malabrigo is yummy.
4. As for Casey, I have to tell you I hated my mom up until I was 25 and then I realized you know she has been right all of these years. I moved out when I was 17 from my parents (long story) and life was hard. Paying bills SUCKS! And having to keep a job to pay those bills SUCKS even more. So my advice is to realize earlier than 25, that your mom IS cool and no one will love you more. And that no one has your best interest at heart when they give you advice like your mom.
And I will pass the word along about your contest.
Hi Cass - I always visit - I see your contest on my sis Teresa’s blog - Affectionknit . Please give her extra points, she’s helpless, poor, pitiful and needs all the help she can get (just kidding - just thought it might get your attention!)
1. Funny stuff, all plagiarized, of course:
- Why not have your cake and eat it too - it’s cake - what else are you going to do with it?
- Boycott shampoo - demand the real poo
- “Police station toilet stolen” ….cops have nothing to go on.
- Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.
- I tried sniffing Coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
- We are born wet, naked and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
- I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- Conscience is that inner voice that warns us that someone is looking
- An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do
And finally - to get nowhere, follow the crowd!!
2 & 3 - Sorry, I love my sis’s knitting - but know nothing about it except what I see from her….
4. Now I just have 2 boys - 18 and 19. I’d love to give you what you want there. I’ve tried it all thru the years. Everything from nagging, ordering them around, doing it all myself, my weeklong refusal to lift a finger (this ends in a stinky mess, let me tell you!!) My only advice is for you - 2 years from now and you won’t have to worry yippee.
On the abstinence thing - surely you’re joshing….not happening unless you’ve figured something out! Preach protection!! Schedule dr’s appointments - now!!
5. OK - you’re up on my blog too!! Have fun with this!!
OK, Cass. This has nothin’ to do with the contest, but I wanted to let you know that the student-teaching is complete! I cried buckets today ’cause there was a sweet presentation and lots of gifts. I have been MIA for weeks and can now resume the many projects I have misplaced. Currently I am sewing a dress for a a drag queen beauty contest to benefit Relay for Life. No stories, no jokes. Just relief. I hope you find yourself again soon and can get back to creativity!
Ashley
!.The funniest and BESTEST thing I can think of that you’ll LOVE–(’cause you’re a vegetarian and love vodka) is “HEY-CASS–Did you know that Vodka is an entirely vegetarian meal?? So, THE HECK WITH THE POTATOES AND CARROTS — TAKE THAT LOVELY FLASK Grace sent you, AND DRINK YOUR DINNER, GIRLFRIEND! (This is NOT recommened for Casey!!)
2,I’m still ga-ga over the Swallowtail Shawl…but sorry to say I haven’tbeen able to knit it–God knows I’ve TRIED!! ! And maybe you have already, and I’m just A DUFUS AND DON’T KNOW IT.!
3.My new favorite yarn, is not a new one, but it’sthe old but goodY– Malabrigo–is there any reason for it NOT to be?? It’s the softest thing around! But Lush, from Pure Knits is just what it says–ummmm, L.U.S.H.!!
4.Casey–advice–I can give it to you from experience…don’t even think about having children in your teens–I did (I WAS OBVIOUSLYNOT THINKING!) , and although I tried hard to be a good mom, I just wasn’t grown-up enough to BE a mom–it’s a very tough job for an adult, much less a teenager–it can makeyou feel very old very fast–so abstinence til well, til you’re an ADULT–and that’s NOT 17, ok?? And, if you’re BUSY CLEAING THE DARNED KITCHEN– how the hell can you get preggers? Ah–I mean clean the thing with NO BOYS AND NO BREAKS WITH BOYS!!!!
5.And Cass, I’ll definitely post about your contest–this is where I will REALLY lose points–I”ve got like 3 readers! lol! I just lost the whole f**king contest! Oh well, I hope you’ve been cheered anyway! SOMEBODY has got to have put a SMILE on that face!
Aww Shoot, I forgot to tell you, I got here from Grace at http://lovingcomfortknits.blogspot.com. Maybe if SHE wins….I’ll get to cheer for her, at least!
HAPPY 17th, CASEY!!
I am surrounded by my 5yo and 3yo all day, so these jokes are inspired by them:
My 5yo, tattling on his 3yo brother: Mom! He said the S WORD!!!! - - - What was the word? I asked, thinking the worst, wondering if he’d gotten it from me… STUPID!
My eldest’s first joke: Who drives monster trucks? Monsters!
My eldest just started baseball. He wants to be the vampire, seriously. Blood and all.
Advice for Casey: Wait to get married; wait to have kids. Travel first and explore the world - there is a lot of time to settle down. Get an education and learn whatever you can (like the pp said); it is something you will never regret. Surround yourself with people who love you, and stay away from people who make you really work for their time.
Val
1. Via my Mom, via her friend, via someone else, I’m sure:
The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS Office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows Up with his attorney.
The auditor says, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant Lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain By saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS Finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Ed. ‘How About a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Ed says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite My own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘No way! It’s a bet.’
Ed removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw Drops.
Ed says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I Can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell Ed isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Ed removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost Three grand, with Ed’s attorney as a witness. He starts To get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Ed asks. ‘I’ll bet you Six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your Desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, And never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks Carefully and decides there’s no way this guy can manage That stunt, so he agrees again.
Ed stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although He strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the Wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all Over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just Turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ed’s attorney Moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Ed Told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty Thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all Over an IRS official’s desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
(PS - Do I get a bonus because it involves pissing?)
2. I want to knit “Bloody Stupid Johnson”:
http://knitty.com/ISSUEwinter07/PATTbsjohnson.html
I love the fact that it’s based on Terry Pratchett books, and the fact that the cable basically has a seizure halfway around the hat.
3. I have a precious skein of Handmaiden Silk Cotton awaiting me in my stash, waiting for the right project. I think you’d like it:
http://www.knit-purl.com/Products/Product.php?Product_ID=7732&PHPSESSID=8fc7cf099bfdc7a1baf49b2b4f722a74
Hemp for Knitting is good. (Don’t let the stiffness defer you, the softens the more you wash it, the softer it gets.)
4. Is this advice or just a platitude? I’ve learned that “You can’t depend on supposed to.” Also “choose your battles.”
Seriously though, the best advice is to be careful about advice. When you’re that age everyone thinks they know better than you. In the end you just have to take it all in and decide what to keep and to throw out.
Something vaguely cleaning related - keep the memory, not the thing. I’m taking pictures of all my crap, er, stuff before I get rid of it, and putting it on Flickr. I’m working on adding descriptions and stories behind the stuff.
http://flickr.com/photos/22231134@N00/sets/72157604531970445/
5. http://sallycomesunraveled.blogspot.com/2008/04/cass-has-best-contests.html
Answer to 2:
Knit this: http://www.craftster.org/forum/index.php?topic=62184.0
Tons of successful pics on Ravelry. It’s hip, cute, fast — no way to get bored with it before completion. Mine is variegated green, my first knitted garment (that fits). Great for many seasons. Would look quite cute on you, Cass.
Answer to 4:
Clean for your mother; clean whatever she asks. But Casey, honey, abstinence is overrated. Maybe wait a couple years to put this into action, but I advise some flings with adorable men. When you’re married to a (wonderful, sexy) man, you’ll still enjoy those fond memories (fantasies) of friskiness. Sustain friendships with fun, funny people of all ages. Kindness is always cool.
–Nancy in NC
Here are some jokes, most stolen, er borrowed from my dad., because thats his job.
-One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, “…and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling!” The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think that the farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to continue for quite some time.
-When my wife was six months pregnant with our 8th child, our three year-old came into the room as she was preparing to get into the shower. She said, “Mom, you are getting fat!” My wife replied, “Yes, honey, remember that Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” my daughter replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”
-A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”
Hee hee, hope those made you smile, if only for a bit.
17 was the best year of my life. i went to israel and helped build an arabic college. my advice. step out of your box and do something amazing for someone else. it will set a standard for your adult life.
also YARN. my favourite right now is lacewing from fly designs. fave place to buy…it and everything is little knits. i am sure you will find something affordable :0)
http://www.littleknits.com/categories.php?cat=491
I wrote out a long list of advice. Blogger ate it. Gracie referred me.
So here goes-
Don’t try to reform bad boys. You deserve a nice one, so just pick one of them and save yourself the drama. And yes, you DO deserve to be treated verrrrry well. Be selective. And have fun.
Never mess around with a teacher or a co-worker. When the romance is over, you still gotta show up at work and class.
If the First Parental Bank and Trust is still providing rent/gas money/room & board/school tuition or whatever, you may think you are grown, but the folks still deserve to be heard. And they deserve a little gratitude.
Laser beams are effective because they are focused. Even if you change career plans, finish your education now -so you can be ready to make a change.
Study a language besides English. Go out of the country to try it out. It’s important to see how other people live.
Learn how to cook a few dishes from scratch. Learn how to check the oil and tire pressure on a car. Understand personal finance. Rich people are rich because they are cheap. Celebrities wear designer clothes because it is part of the maker’s promotional deal.
By all means, if you want a kitty, ask for a pony.
Ugly can get a nose job, but stupid is forever.
Fault is crap and determining fault usually doesn’t fix the problem. Determining how we FEEL about a problem doesn’t fix it either.
The press is free, but it is not unbiased.
And probably the most important thing - most women fight over men, or their position or how they look in front of men. There are only two kinds of women - the ones who push everyone else off the dock in an effort to look good, or the ones who understand that we only make .85 to a man’s dollar. Women who push others off the dock eventually get shoved into the water themselves. Women who help each other out are the ones who get better jobs, make better contacts, find what they need. It should not lessen you to help someone out, or refer someone to the right person, or to tell someone unemployed about a job opening. Men do it all the time. Women SHOULD.
Women who get THAT help each other out. Be careful while you are sorting your aquaintances -
Happy Birthday-
Here’s my fav joke. OK…it’s the only joke I can remember at the moment…
Q: What did the zero (0) say to the eight (8)?
A: Nice belt.
I’m also buckling under the pressure of knitting mother’s day socks.
Oh, god. You, too? I screwed up the simplest felted purse for my mom, and I’m having to *force* myself to work on the socks for my grandmother. Ugh.
So.
1. Ok, my favorite joke. You have to read it out loud to get the funny, fyi.
Q: What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?
A: Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.
2. Wedge Hat by Charisa Martin. Great pattern, and a really good way to use up skimpy skeins. I like it in wool, but you could use other stuffs, too.
3. Right now I’m very involved with my own handspun. I’d offer you some, but I’m a serial yarn monogamist (iow, ha! Spin your own!) However, I do adore the Enchanted Knoll Farm sock yarn. Not vegan (sorry!), but super-soft, springy, and not-at-all splitty.
4. Hmm. When my best friend’s niece turned 18, my advice was that peanut butter is an effective way to mask the odor of beer on one’s breath. What? Oh, fine. Some just as practical though not as fun advice: You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you don’t want to date/sleep with/make out with him. “No” is all any man is entitled to. If he presses you for reasons why you won’t let him feel you up, don’t bother to answer - it just reinforces his totally wrong-headed notion that he’s entitled to touch you, and you’re just being a bitch by denying him his right. Instead, send him packing with a cold, “I don’t owe you an explanation. I’ve already given you an answer, and that’s the end of the discussion.” Judicious use of the stink-eye during this process is also recommended.
Wow - you and your daughter could pass for sisters!!! You’re both beautiful!!!
My advice for a 17 year old…. if you wouldn’t do it in front of your mother - DON’T do it. I think that pretty much sums it up.
1. Cheer me up.
What do you get with a knitter and an alcoholic at a nudist colony with a bottle of Tequila?
One of them is left holding the bag
(what??? does that even make sense?) Hmm maybe that got lost in translation… those tequila shooters are dangerous… can someone pass the lemon and salt please?
2. Give me something to knit.
Well I am about to knit some colorful tits, yep that’s what I meant to type. Not that I need them myself, I have way too much up there if you know what I mean. But for those less fortunate (or cursed depending on how you feel about it) I can donate these alternatives. Now I wonder if you threw one of these across the room if they would bounce. Hmmm worth a try, you think? Here is a link to the pattern
http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEfall05/PATTbits.html
3. Help me build my stash.
My newest yarn find is Cascade Fixation 98.3% cotton and 1.7% elastic. I recently used it to make a cute pair of socks in a bright pink color and am going to try it out on the pattern mentioned above as well. I actually found it on sale on the web for $5.50 for a 100yard ball.
4. Give my daughter some advice.
Now this is a tough one… hmmm cleaning the house will never be fun, but it sure beats changing diapers. Besides there’s always the chance you might find some loose change or wadded up paper bills in the process. LOL
5. Send help! I have linked your contest on my blog
OK, here’s the joke:
A big-city lawyer went duck hunting out in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this . . . with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?” The farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow patty.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said: “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
I can’t really help with a pattern suggestion, I’m feeling a little uninspired these days myself.
As far as stash enhancement goes, just do what I do, go into the yarn store and buy whatever suits your fancy, even if you have to use the grocery money.
And now here’s some advice for your daughter:
1. Save a little money every time you get the chance.
2. Don’t ever, and I do mean never, trust anyone that says, “Trust me.”
3. Be good to your mom, one day she will be the best friend you’ve ever had.
Caseybabe, no advise, just a HUGE HUG! I wish I could be there with you on your birthday, I will be in spirit. (we’ll be playing LOTR Risk in my head and I’ll be kicking your arse…K?!!) I know you already know this, but you are so very special. I’m so grateful to have had you grace my life! BIG SMOOCHES! :love
Ok, ok, I can’t NOT give advise! My advise: live life to its fullest, enjoy each and every moment, and love deeply. These things I know you already do, so you are in good shape babe!
[...] and I’m not knitting a damn thing so, what else… Oh yeah- one of my favorite bloggers at Shut Up, I’m Counting is having a contest (part of which is to give advice to her lovely offspring about to turn 17) so [...]
Hi, came over from Miss.T’s place, I’m SOL on any advice on yarn or knitting or any funnie ha ha’s. Quit working my corner on boring!!! The only I have to offer is to your 17 yr. old who, God willing, will not get married for SEVERAL years, but before she ,she needs to remember, marry somebody you can talk to, you do alot more talking in your life than, you know, the other thing.
I just have advice for Casey. Study abroad. When in your adult life will you have the time/money to spend 4 months or 8 months in a foreign country? Take out a student loan if you need to, but see and learn in a new place.
New favorite yarn:
blue sky alpaca skinny organic - I just bought it this weekend and have only made a swatch so far.
Email joke:
Hello, my name is Julio and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
“Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!”
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Fuck them.
If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends,and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.
I don’t fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.
Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know.
Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.
Advice for Casey:
Live, live, live! You have the whole world out there for you, take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way. You never want to look back over your life with regrets. There will be loads of mistakes and pain along the way but there will also be loads of love and laughter too.
Having a 17 year old myself (son though, not daughter) I do have a bit of advice for one that age. Right now, you may tend to think your parents are complete idiots. I remember, I was 17 once upon a time. In a few years you will figure out that maybe Mom & Dad knew a few things after all. Save yourself some pain and heartache, keep listening to your parents right here and now (we actually do still know a thing or two that’s useful.)
My only advice is to go out and get my favorite booze. Grey Goose vodka now comes in pear flavor that is just enough of a hint of flavor. Its not a yuck smack in your mouth like the stoli flavors. Mixed with club soda and ice, it is the ultimate cocktail for spring and beyond. And if it spills on your knitting, it won’t stain b/c its clear! And since I drink so much seltzer all the time, no one knows when I’m hitting the bottle, including the kids.
Ohhh yes, and as the contest is posted so emerge all the lurkers, myself among them. hello there all of you reading this that never post anything!
Not an entry for the contest, but just some advice from one 17-year-old to another:
Never let anyone tell you who you are or how you feel. Don’t let people judge you. You are who you know you are, and if other people have a problem with that, don’t associate with them, because they are not worth the effort. (I learned this from knitting in class all the time, haha.)
also. knitknitknit. while you still have the time to do it, because I’m pretty sure that after this (my junior year) I’m not going to have much time to myself anymore.
I’ll give advice to your daughter. Having been 17 not too long ago (I’ll be 21 on May 8), I can understand what she feels like she’s going through, etc. My advice… you’re not the only person in the world that has your problems, to deal with parents like yours, has her heart broken, etc. (fill in whatever teenage ailment you like). We’ve all been there and felt that we were the only ones. Not true! Listen to your friends, listen to (gasp!) your parents. You’ll be a lot better off and you’ll really learn to appreciate the advice/help of others that have experienced what you’re going through now.
Congrats!
Advise for any girl of any age:
1. Clean house for mother
2. Don’t get involved until you’re able to support yourself (advise from my dad)
3. Drag the body inside the house before you call the police. This is actually a defense for a manslaughter charge, I believe, in Texas.