I Blame The Yarn

I’ve been out of Grey Goose for 2 weeks. (Don’t cry for me, I’ve had Absolut Raspberry, and although it makes me puff up the next morning like I’ve been bee stung all over and gives me a wicked headache, it does make a swell substitute for the top shelf stuff in a pinch.) I’ve been spending my liquor money on things like manicures for the Prom and bread and milk and gas.

And then I placed an order at Jimmy Beans Wool. That alone was enough to blow my yarn/liquor budget for a few weeks.

But tomorrow is Friday, and what with the sun being out and the air being clear and the planets being in line ’cause it’s May Day, I needed my Grey Goose. (Plus I had a last minute client call for this coming weekend, so I had a little extra coin to blow.)

I was standing in the liquor store this morning, looking at the Grey Goose bottles, trying to decide how much I wanted to spend. It was the yarn that was causing me problems. See, I only bought 2 skeins of the Blue Sky Organic Skinny Cotton. I’ve been rethinking that decision since I hit submit. What can I make with 2 skeins? This yarn just screams  summer weight sweater. I should have ordered 5 skeins. But I was trying to be frugal (snort) and responsible (burp) and besides, I’d already thrown several other yarns in my basket shooting for free shipping (that saved me some money, right?).

So I’ve been considering placing another order while there’s still the possibility of matching dye lots. Which is why I was torn between the big bottle (which might last me a week, but would eat up the yarn money) and the little bottle of Grey Goose (might last me the weekend and would leave money for more yarn).

I was in deep contemplation about my problem for several minutes, standing there with my mouth half open and my eyes glazed over, when the young liquor store dude sneaked up and scared the shit of me. Asked if I needed any help and BAM! just like that I shrieked, jumped, and fell straight to the ground in a heap.

I’m well versed in falling and was unfazed, but poor young liquor store dude was horrified. He tried to help me up without touching me, asked me several times if I was okay, and eyed me warily for a minute while I picked up my purse.

Then he squared his shoulders and recited “Ma’am, if you’ve already been drinking today, I must advise you that I cannot in good conscience sell you any liquor, especially since you are driving.”

It took me a moment to realize that he wasn’t kidding. Not even when I laughed maniacally.

Me? Drinking during the day? Well, sure. But then driving?!!? As if! But I couldn’t help it, I had to laugh. I got a fit of those giggles you get in church when your sister draws a penis on the bulletin and then pretends  she’s going to throw it into the pew in front of you where Mrs. Bitchison is sitting. I couldn’t stop laughing. I wanted to explain that it was really about yarn, and no I hadn’t been drinking, and oh wait til I blog about this, and could I take your picture? but I couldn’t stop giggling long enough to say anything.

Well, this went over well with young liquor store dude. This fit of hysterical laughter went a long way towards convincing him that was sober enough to buy liquor at 11:30 a.m. on a Thursday.

I was about to get it under control when the other liquor store dude, the one who knows me and normally waits on me, came around the corner carrying a case of wine. He looked us over and asked, “What, did she knock something over again?”

It was a good 10 minutes before I could breathe. It was quite embarrassing really, to stand there laughing like a lunatic while 2 men watched me warily. 2 men who held my liquor fate in their hands. I did eventually leave with the big bottle of Grey Goose, but I’m sure they’re still wondering if they did the right thing by selling it to me.

I guess I’ll hope for another last minute client so that I can buy more yarn. Either that, or dip into the grocery money. My family can live without bread and milk, right?